Oct 18, 2017

Christian Tessier: The Six-Pack Abs of Nickelodeon

The Tomorrow People (1992-1995), an early Nickelodeon sci-fi series about mutant teenagers (a remake of the British version), starred Christian Tessier as a super-genius named Megabyte.

The 14-year old Canadian actor had been a fixture on Nickelodeon for several years, with roles on You Can't Do That On Television, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and elsewhere.

He first stated to bulk up in Tomorrow People, but it was in Natural Enemy (1996), as a collegiate swimmer stalked by his stepfather, that we really saw his spectacular pecs and six-pack abs.

Plus impressive speedo shots.

He also stripped down in Habitat (1997).

Then came a series of adventure and horror movies with little beefcake on display (I assume; I haven't seen any of them), plus guest spots on a number of tv series. Two starring roles: Joey Passamontes in All Souls (2001) and "Duck" Clellan in Battlestar Galactica (2005-6). 

Not a lot of specifically gay content, except for  Ice Blues (2008), with Chad Allen as gay detective Donald Strachey.

He's also released two songs, including "Whatever It Is," with the Religion Beats.  I never heard of the group, and I can't understand any of the lyrics, but no doubt it's religious.

5 Celebrity Dates from Hell

I moved to West Hollywood in 1985 after a childhood of seeing no famous people in real life except for Jonathan Frid (Barnabas on Dark Shadows), former Tarzan Jock Mahoney, and the King of Sweden, so I became a veritable celebrity fetishist.  If I saw you on tv, I wanted to date you (or, after I moved in with Lane in 1990, hook up with you).

In part it was due to envy: my friends were all dating Sylvester Stallone, Rob Lowe, Keanu Reeves, and all I had were Peter Barton, Lee H. Montgomery, and Douglas Barr. 

Plus a hug from Michael J. Fox, a sausage sighting of John Amos, and a date with Robin Williams' assistant.  Big deal!

I was meeting -- or seeing -- big stars quite often, but none of them seemed interested in dating.  So I made the rounds of the lesser known and downright obscure, hoping that the guy I dated last night would make it big, and I could say "I went down on him back when."  Sometimes it worked out ok, and I got a nice romantic evening, a sausage sighting, or at least lunch.

Sometimes it was regrettable, to say the least.

Here are five celebrity hookups from hell.  I'm sure that these actors are very nice, and some people no doubt find them hot, but for whatever reason our time together ranged from dismal to "get me out of here!"

1. James Faulkner, Herod in the I, Claudius miniseries (1976) and Aldous Huxley in Priest of Love (1981).  Not at all my type: bald, pale, chunky, small beneath the belt, and sharing a last name with my least favorite author.

To be fair, he wasn't my hookup, he was Lane's.  We met him at a leather bar in London in 1993, and brought him back to our hotel, where wee discovered that he was into wet, sloppy kisses and the biting of nipples

2. Cain Devore starred with John Stamos in the short-lived comedy Dreams (1984-85), and I guess did some soap work after.  Not my usual type: skinny, frizzy dirty blond hair, very tan, but cute in a rockster-Bohemian way.  Alan and I picked him up at Mugi in 1986 and brought him home, but he was too drunk to rise to the occasion.

3. I had never actually seen Howard E. Rollins, Jr. in anything when Lane and I met him at an AIDS benefit in 1995. He told us about his work in The Heat of the Night (1988-94), but not that he had 3 DUIs and a cocaine problem, or that he was in rehab. 

4. Which of the stars of The Incredible Hulk (1978-1982) would you like to date?  Lou Ferrigno?  Bill Bixby?  How about Jack Colvin, who played the sleazy reporter on the Hulk's trail?  Nondescript physique, weasel face, small package, and he didn't stick around for breakfast.

5. At least Georg Olden was cute.  He was starring in Rocky Road (1985-87) about three siblings who run an ice cream parlor on Pismo Beach, when I saw him at a Greek restaurant in Hollywood -- while I was on a date with someone else!  He was only 18, still going to Beverly Hills High, and I was not yet a twink magnet, so I had no way to attract his attention.  I made a complete fool of myself, and went home alone.

The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Oct 17, 2017

Jonathan Ke Quan: The Goonies Grow Up

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) gives the whip-wielding archaeologist-adventurer Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) a modern-day English-mangling Sabu, the equivalent of the teenage-sidekick in the 1930’s serials.  But instead of a young adult playing a teenager, the gay subtext is minimized by making Indy's sidekick the prepubescent waif Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan, nearly 14 years old but looking around 10).

 Indy and Short Round display a great deal of affection, but always of the parent-child variety: Indy sleeps with the boy in his arms, and holds his hand while they are walking, but he is continually presented as a small boy, lest anyone think that when he says “Indy, I love you” anyone think he means something besides substitute father.  There is no rejection of the homoerotic other, except in a passage in the novelization about the “disreputable careers” that might befall a 13-year old boy on the streets of Shanghai; that is, if it were not for Indy’s intervention, Short Round might have become a boy prostitute.

Jonathan Ke Quan went on to star in The Goonies (1985) as the Asian nerd Data, who buddy-bonds in a rather aggressively physical way with fellow Goonie Mikey (Sean Astin).

And on two tv series: Together We Stand (1986-87), as a Vietnamese orphan adopted by an American family (his brother was played by the gay-friendly Scott Grimes); and the last season of Head of the Class (1990-1991), as Asian nerd Jasper Kwong.

Are you starting to see a pattern here?  Asians stereotyped as mathematical, nerdish, and asexual, so no romantic leads, no beefcake -- but, on the bright side, ample room for gay subtexts.

After playing adolescents with no heterosexual interest and intense buddy-bonding in the martial arts drama Breathing Fire (1991) and the comedy Encino Man (1992) with Sean Astin, Jonathan studied martial arts and went to USC Film School.

Since graduating, his only acting role has been in the Hong Kong movie Second Time Around (2002), which involves Las Vegas, time traveling, romance, and apparently gay characters.

He has also worked behind the scenes, as a stunt coordinator, fight choreographer, and cinematographer. No idea if he's gay in real life or not.